Smells Like After School Special
by Cyrelia J
Summary: Kink meme de anon. AU 16 year old Alfred is a single father trying to raise his children alone after his mother dies- children that are also his siblings from years of abuse. Life is hard- but a hero never quits. US/Ukraine, US/Belarus, minor US/Russia, UK/Canada.


Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or any of its characters. I'm also not making any money off of this so please don't sue.

Note: This is a kink meme de anon which will be finished with a few minor edits. This is 1 of what will likely be a 3 part story arc. This story being Alfred centric, the second Matthew centric and the third focusing on them both. This story specifically is America/Ukraine with some America/Belarus and small America/Russia thrown in. Also England/Canada. That being said this will (after this story) get to America/Canada so while it can be read alone it might not end so happily in that regard. This is also a very period piece totally immersed in the early 90s lol.

WARNING for mentions of child abuse and incest along with offensive language and content. C&C is always welcome.

Smells Like After School Special

By Cyrelia J

Chapter 1

He could feel his heart beating faster as the man behind the counter took his ID and gave the cursory glance. Of course Alfred F. Jones was exactly who he said he was; he just wasn't eighteen yet. He wiped his palms off on the faded jeans keeping the thin smile on his face as the cheaply made card was handed back to him. But no, once again the man simply opened the drawer and counted out the three hundred dollars in twenties and wished him a good day. Alfred nodded and as badly as he wanted to run like hell and get home in case Jonathan figured out how to get out of his playpen again and upset Selene or Jacob started crying and Jack really didn't give a damn what went on in his room as long as it didn't disturb anyone else but visions of all of his children bleeding out on the floor were assailing him and as soon as he was out of sight of the Exxon on Olden Avenue he broke into an earnest jog- better no one think he was stealing anything.

The money had started coming two months ago, one week after the unexpected phone call. He had no idea how the hell Mattie had gotten the phone number for the boarding house but he had. And as proud and stubborn as he'd been after his brother had walked out of the house and left them behind, he'd never been more thankful to hear the soft voice on the other end of the phone wishing him a happy birthday. Jack had pounded on the door and handed him the receiver complaining about him needing his own phone and yeah he was working on that one of these days. But as hard as the call had been, fondling the crisp bills in his pocket as the brisk autumn air hit his face it was worth it. Even if that little shit couldn't man up and stop acting like a kid at least he was sending him money. Alfred had asked him where it came from- last time he checked, the old pervert Mattie was shacking up with was as tightfisted as Scrooge even if he was supposedly just as rich- but his brother wouldn't tell him and it was probably better he didn't ask.

He was out of breath by the time he reached 1009 Brunswick Avenue and wondered when the hell he'd gotten so out of shape. When he was running track in middle school that would've been nothing but... Alfred sighed as he fished the keys to the front door out of his pocket and jogged up the stairs. _Yeah and a hell of a lot's changed since then, Alfred. Oh gawd I sound like I'm s thousand years old._ He took a few breaths walking up the stairs of the duplex and then broke into a run past Magdalena- he was pretty sure that's what her name was- racing up to his room he thought she yelled after him about tearing through the house when people were trying to sleep. Well heck it's not like she was offering to watch the kids for him so she could kiss it.

His hands were already shaking as he put the key in the lock to his room, the front room of the old boarding house. He could've fainted with relief when he saw that Jacob was still asleep in his crib and Jonathan was thankfully still inside the playpen spinning around in a circle, stuffed penguin in hand. He fell down laughing when Alfred entered the room with a loud yell of "Daddy!". Alfred smiled at him and knelt down, reaching over the walls and lifting him up to kiss the top of his blonde head with a sigh. He didn't have look too hard for Selene. Eleven o clock was Price is Right and Bob Barker could work miracles with her that Alfred never could. Thank god the cable was split from the basement for all of them. Good. Good they were okay for now.

"Hey baby." Alfred stood up again and threw his jacket on the twin bed in the corner of the room. He was careful to step around the row of precisely arranged blocks and picked the small girl child up sure to leave her arms free; she screamed if she couldn't move them. As usual she didn't seem to register his presence much and she looked away when he kissed her cheek continuing to stare at the television. She still hadn't talked yet no matter how much coaxing she got and sometimes it worried him but what the hell did he know about kids? "Daddy sent us money again," he said knowing she probably wasn't listening but he just needed to talk sometimes and Mattie wasn't there anymore to listen and smile at his stupid jokes. Like clockwork, he stuck a finger down the back of her diaper to make sure she was dry because otherwise he wasn't going to find out until she starting making some sort of unholy noise and he **really** didn't want to piss anyone off 'cause there damn sure wasn't gonna be another place to live where people were kinda friendly without asking questions. He couldn't remember when the hell he'd learned how to potty train- was three too old for her?- but that was one they were still working on. Jonathan had gotten it a few months ago at a little over two years but he seemed to be pretty smart all around.

Alfred set his daughter back down as he toed his shoes off and turned the radio on thankful not for the first time that he'd brought it with him when he loaded up their Chevy Celebrity and never looked back. Jacob, for the longest time wouldn't go to sleep until the last song on "And Justice for All" wound down, just like his older brother; at least it sure seemed that way because some nights nothing would quiet him down. Mom liked to throw it in his face how **his** sons were the noisy ones and Mattie's daughter never even cried when she was a baby- shit lot of fucking nerve just picking whose kids were whose. Well wasn't that just like perfect little boring Mattie? Perfect 'til she found out he was gay and she went at him with that knife anyway to "cut the faggot out of him" or some crazy shit and then she wouldn't let him touch any of the kids after that. Not like that asshole even cared, he just started staying out all hours of the night smoking that stupid pot of his 'til he hooked up with that old pervert Professor Kirkland who taught at Princeton, la di da- fucking professor of what he'd love to know...

_Did they just say bananas and potatoes or have I been watching too much fucking Sesame Street? _They'd been playing that new Nirvana song "Smells Like Teen Spirit" constantly on the radio and that seemed to be one of their new favorites; where the hell he'd get money to buy the tape when it finally got played out he didn't know, he couldn't risk stealing it. Sinking back on the bed he took stock of the diapers in the corner and fuck he'd have to run out to the damn PathMark to get more later. Well his shift was starting soon, maybe Jack's wife wouldn't mind looking after the kids an hour earlier or later or something. The stupid laundry still needed to be done, he could see it piling up too but trying to take the kids and the trash bags of clothes even just across the street was just so damn much it- _Okay, okay Al, pull it together they need clean clothes, _**_you_**_ need clean clothes._

And God he swore all his mom did was lay on the couch all day and watch soaps and pop pills only bothering to clean up long enough to give birth to Jacob but she must've been doing a helluva lot more than he thought she was 'cause he didn't remember having to do half this shit at home even after she'd pulled him and his brother out of school to watch the kids. Then again they went out more than they stayed home and for some weird reason his friend Toris still stuck around and hung out with him even with the little ducklings in tow. Come to think of it Toris and his friend Feliks seemed to cut school more than they were in it anyway so it must've been pretty shitty if a guy with three kids was better company.

Well that home though was a world away in New Brunswick and probably full of fucking squatters by now. But it was far enough away that no one would really recognize him and he'd never been more thankful that Feliks knew some people who knew some people when he needed to get the hell out. Alfred didn't speak Polish or Russian for shit but that was good 'cause no one asked any questions except Jack who didn't give a damn about anything as long as he had cash in his hand at the end of the month. The old guy had given him what Feliks called the old fresh off the boat hook up, a job at Henry's deli and a room for six hundred a month and the minimum wage was just enough for rent and food and thank god for his brother's guilty conscience 'cause this was all a helluva lot harder than he'd ever thought it would be.

Alfred tipped his head back closing his eyes for a few brief minutes knowing it wouldn't be long before Jacob woke up from his afternoon nap and they'd all need feeding. _No wonder mom was out of it all the damn time..._ He could hear the TV going to commercials, some other stupid new show called Teech. Alfred took a deep breath wondering what high school would've be like if he'd actually gotten to go. And not even some fancy prep school, just any old damn place. _Yeah if She wasn't such a fucked up mess and Mattie hadn't bailed. I hope you're enjoying your life, asshole.._.

* * *

_The horn honked a second time as Matthew stared at him. Matthew now. Forget Mattie, Mattie was the stupid kid name that Al called him not the super sophisticated oh so grown up "Matthew" that ARthur called him. Alfred was blocking the doorway glaring furiously at his brother who was attempting to shove past him dufflebag in hand._

_"Al... I need to go..." Matthew looked half dead like he didn't even hear the horn outside. He barely spared a glance to the hallway where the kids were still in the small bedroom. Alfred tried his damndest to keep his voice down but the way his brother kept holding the back and looking from the hall to the window outside he could almost tackle him and punch the shit out of him._

_"You can't just leave us here," Alfred growled and if looks alone could hold that selfish little asshole back... _

_"She's dead, Al!" Matthew seemed to catch himself before dropping his voice again taking a step back, looking down at the stained shag carpet. "We can't just stay here with... with _**_that_**_." And Alfred barely stopped the frown 'cause the bitch was a lot of things but she was still their fucking mother once upon a time and not a "that".__Only Alfred had the decency to cry for her._

_"For fuck's sake, Mattie, it's Johnny's birthday tomorrow, the old man can't wait one more day for you to give him a blow job?"_

_"Are you gonna prop her up at the table when you cut the cake?" Matthew hissed seemingly ignoring the jab but Alfred still saw his shoulders tense as he clutched the bag harder. "...probably wouldn't be any difference anyway..." came the mumble that had Alfred dropping all pretense of trying to be nice and reasonable as he turned and shoved Matthew back into the sofa._

_"Dammit, this is fucking funny!"_

_"Do I look like I'm laughing?!" Matthew didn't yell much but he was yelling back, jerked up forcefully as Alfred tried to grab the bag out of his hands as he held on._

_"You look like you don't even give a fuck! I know we need to go but... but not like this! Dammit just _**_listen_**_!" _

_And in the struggle both of them went crashing to the floor taking the small round table near the door with them. Matthew let go of the bag, grabbed at his brother's shoulders, and rolled them over. Alfred was gonna stay there holding the damn thing forever except his brother actually had the nerve to throw one of those slow, girly punches at him. Alfred blocked out of habit just letting go enough to give Matthew a chance to try for the door. Alfred grabbed his foot when he tried to kick him in the face._

_"Let go!" Matthew's voice cracked as he kicked again harder but Alfred had already pulled his way up, pinning his brother's arms because he'd always been just a little bit bigger and he held firm as Matthew bucked and yelled screaming right back in his face again._

_"You can't just leave them!" And Matthew went rigid at that, breathing hard, red faced as he looked furiously at his brother. There was a stir and a small child- probably Jonathan screaming and crying for Alfred. He stopped struggling and Alfred knew better than to just let go._

_"They're not mine." Under the scrutiny of his twin's gaze, Matthew looked away. "Mom was pretty clear about that, eh?" And there was that soft practiced stupid fucking Canadian accent good ole' Arthur had convinced him to adopt so they could shack up and Alfred didn't give two shits that it was him and not Matthew they were screaming for 'cause as far as he was concerned-_

_"That's fucking bullshit and you know it." _

_Alfred planted himself firmly watching Matthew wince as the horn outside beeped again. "And you can go back to talking like a normal person any day now, Mattie. You're Matthew fucking _**_Jones_**_ not Williams whatever the hell garbage that limey pedo's been filling your head with-." And _**_that_**_ snapped the other's attention back because ever since that gross old man showed up Matthew was quick as a whip to defend him and no one else._

_"_**_Arthur_**_ is my boyfriend, Al and he's the only one here who actually gives a damn about me. He's the only one who's gonna take care of me and I just can't take-"_

_"You!? You selfish little prick in case you hadn't noticed there are three babies who-"_

_"Who should probably be with a real family, Al." Matthew exhaled frustrated as the crying increased and any second Alfred was gonna have to go or something and fuck his fucking selfish brother. "We've been over this a million times already. Arthur says-"_

_"Fuck that creepy old man he isn't your family, _**_we_**_ are. I need you, Mattie, the kids need you." Alfred let him go, ducking his head to hide the wetness he could feel in his eyes, blinking furiously. Matthew just lay there still, head turned to the side staring at the patched up drywall of the living room where their mother had thrown a lamp at him._

_"I want to go to college, Al. I want to get married. I want to have a normal life. Our _**_brother_**_ and _**_sister_**_ deserve the same thing and they're not gonna get it from two high school drop outs playing house! Stop being a damn hero and use your head for once! Stop being a fucking martyr that everyone has to worship and look up to 'cause you're just as big a loser as I am!" And as Matthew went on his voice had grown steadily louder until he was practically screaming the last sentence. "You have _**_no_**_ idea what I've given up already!" He shoved Alfred off and snatched up his bag practically throwing the door open and whirled around just daring his brother to try and stop him again. "I have dreams, Al! I don't want to live in your stupid Boxcar Children fantasyland! You're gonna ruin them! You're gonna ruin them just like you ruin everything else!" Matthew ducked his head and Alfred could see the tears through his own furious blurred vision and wondered why the hell his brother always had to say shit that hurt so badly. "You're all gonna end up like… forget it… I can't make you listen-" _

_"Listen, Mattie!? Listen I-"_

_"He said he'll take you too, Al." his hand shook gripping the doorknob hard as he finally wrenched it open. "For the last time… You don't… you don't have to do this the house is-"_

_"The fuck I'm bending over like some homo for a-" Matthew slammed the door on him and Alfred could swear he was kicking the thing hard enough to splinter for good measure. Alfred almost ripped it off the hinge himself too fucking angry to even think about apologizing after all the hell his brother was putting them through. "Mattie!" His brother ignored him as he reshouldered the bag and started down the broken up sidewalk of the front yard. The crying from inside the house was only getting worse and Alfred kept looking frantically between his brother and the house praying one of the kids wouldn't wander off._

_"You can't do this!"_

_And yeah, there was the old fucker just now getting out of the red Jaguar after the fiftieth fucking horn blow. Arthur fucking Kirkland- who had to be packing a pencil dick to be driving a car like that- looked over at Matthew looking _**_so_**_ concerned. Concerned when he was just honking the horn like a fucking pimp calling his whore, yeah he was concerned all right. Alfred could've knocked him on his ass right then and there._

_"Matthew, luv, are you-" Alfred ignored him entirely as he grabbed Matthew's shoulder._

_"Dammit Mattie, so help me if you leave I am _**_never_**_ gonna forgive you!"_

_"Then don't," Matthew whispered where Alfred could barely hear him jerking away._

_"They're yours too," Alfred said, his voice breaking, grabbing at his brother's wrist this time. Matthew pulled away again sharply not looking at him. "Stop acting like you don't have anything to do with this, dammit. Tell me she never touched you, Mattie. Tell me she never did all the shit to you that she did to me and I'll-"_

_"Goodbye, Al." And he walked away. Without looking back, without another word, he threw his bag into the non-existent back seat of the Jaguar and left Alfred standing on the step with the children crying behind him._

* * *

And a few hours later the little asshole in question called almost like clockwork and didn't Alfred feel like some hanger on loser practically waiting for the phone to ring. _So tell me again, Alfred F. Jones how that never forgiving thing is going? You're pathetic, Al. _He quieted the voice in his head as he heard his brother speaking.

"I can't really talk very long." Mattie's voice was a hush and as Alfred sat on the floor rolling the ball back and forth with Jonathan he almost felt like he was in some kind of secret spy movie. His eyes flickered back and forth between both of his sons, Jacob in that bouncy whatchamacallit squealing and jumping and Alfred knew he was gonna regret it later when his son spit up but it was easier than running around after him even in the single room where half a dozen things were set to fall at any moment.

"**You** called **me**, remember?" Alfred glanced over to Selene again meticulously sorting her blocks in the same pattern wondering if she'd notice not having a birthday party this year when November rolled around.

"Yeah I know but I... okay sorry sorry." He took an audible breath. "Arthur doesn't know I'm calling you and-"

"Is that asshole doing something to you?!" Alfred's loud snap made both boys look up and he groaned when Jonathan laughed and parroted back "asshole". _Great, just great_. _He'll probably be cussing like a sailor by the time he's five._

"No!" Matthew was defensive as always. Alfred just sighed. "It's just… you know I left all that behind Al and Arthur doesn't want me talking with any of the bad influences I used to hang out with... Not that you were a bad influence!" he was quick to add, "But I have a lot of work to do to get my GED so I can start college. It's not too late to change your mind either," he could hear his brother mumble that last bit hastily but he just let it go. It was nice just to be able to **talk** to someone again like a damn adult without having to turn the heavy accent filter on and he was gonna keep his big mouth shut for once no matter how annoying it was.

"Yeah... So uh… college, huh? Must be…" he swallowed the lump wondering where on earth it came from. "Must be nice." He pushed the ball back to Jonathan making a face to keep the frown away.

"Asshole!" Jonathan chirped though it sound more like "asso" and Alfred almost felt like crying.

"It's wonderful, Al! I'm really excited. Arthur says if I work hard he can pull a few strings and fill in some of the gaps on my record and I could go to Princeton too. I'm gonna try real hard and maybe I can graduate in three years. I'd have to go to school in the summer but you know how much I always wanted to become a-"

"Jacob can say my name now!" Alfred cut in loudly just not wanting to hear anymore.

"Al..." That warning in his brother's voice like that jerk was the one in charge here just 'cause he was willing to whore himself out to some limey faggot for a fucking college education.

"He'll probably say yours soon enough," Alfred informed him with a forced mirth that bordered on hysterical. Except he already called Mattie "dada" when Alfred, depressed and sick of looking at the claustrophobic four walls, tired of hearing Jacob crying- just crying for god only knows what reason- put one of the old tapes in the VCR to watch some old crap of him and Mattie when they were happy and young and everything wasn't all fucked up. He quieted and said "dada" more specifically when the stupid camera zoomed in on Mattie's stupid face and why he said it then when Alfred was the one who held them and played with them and changed her and lived for nothing but them he wished like hell he knew because it really was... was almost too much.

"Al I've gotta go," his brother said softly, pitying like he was just so damn pathetic and if the phone wasn't a loaner from Dorota in the middle room he'd have thrown it out the damn window. _Yeah, yeah I bet you do Mattie. Go have fun you stupid quitter and pretend you don't have any- _

"Yeah. It was..." He swallowed another lump and squeezed his eyes shut as Jacob stopped his bouncing and spit up. _Ohmygod I gotta get out of here just for a little-_

"Take care of yourself, Al." And the phone went dead and he looked at the three of them with a big grin pasted onto his face trying to think in his crazy scattered brain where to even begin with his day off today. Well hell at least they had food and a warm house so he must've been doing something right.

Not for the first time Alfred had thought of going back to the old house and at least grabbing the microwave but who the hell knew what was living there and driving without a license might be all well and good around here where a big dumb grin and an accented "no english" discouraged most of the cops but he wasn't about to risk a trip back up north. He was pretty sure that everyone had outgrown their car seats and Selene was well behaved enough in the front but Jonathan was getting into some annoying hitting phase and some days it took everything he had not to tape his son's hands to his sides.

Alfred sighed, leaving Jonathan to happily parrot "asshole" as he got up and picked Jacob out of the bouncer praying no one was in the bathroom. He grabbed up a change of clothes that smelled clean enough glad that he'd at least packed up every stitch of clothes he could fit 'cause Jacob could wear Jonathan's old shit and Jonathan was young enough he didn't care about being dressed in Selene's stuff and god he'd need to hit up the Goodwill and see if he could snag a few cheap dresses or something. Heh, 'least he grabbed the radio and his posters except he couldn't eat posters so really how dumb was he?

Looking up, he saw Magdalena standing outside the door already in a bathrobe waiting with her arms crossed that perpetual frown on her face and he sighed inwardly but hey, Alfred F Jones could turn on the charm when he needed to and Feliks swore the kids just made him look cute.

"Sooo Maggie, think I could slip in there real quick with the kidlet and-"

"Thirty minute!" She exclaimed with a wave of her hand at the door interrupting him. "That man already take thirty minute and no get out!" He turned automatically as if that would magically make the door open as she continued her rant of how she'd already banged on the door and was going to be running late for work because that deadbeat was taking another one of his marathon baths. That deadbeat being some dude named Jerzey or Urich or something else depending on who was looking for him. Sometimes Alfred dreamt of building a giant robot that would reach in and pull anyone who was jerking around in there out through the wall.

Ah, but he'd learned a good trick that he'd been meaning to try and he banged on the door dramatically yelling.

"Hey man, there's some dude downstairs saying he's gonna fuck your shit up if you don't give him his money. Vaughn or Vernon, I dunno but-" And he hid a smirk when he heard curses and banging and when the door opened and Jerzey ran out with the towel around his waist Alfred gave the surprised woman a small salute before running inside and slamming the door shut because he'd swear six ways to Sunday that his room was kiddy proof but he'd learned last month when he was fixing the mac n cheese in the kitchen- it was the only food Selene would eat for dinner without throwing a fit- that a fucking two year old would put anything in his mouth. Two days waiting for the dime to pass praying he wouldn't need to go to the hospital listening to Jack's wife bitch him out about being more responsible ugh.

He cleaned Jacob up lickety split, tickling him smiling genuinely when the boy laughed and it was good to forget for a few minutes that tomorrow he'd be up at the asscrack of dawn when the deli opened and that one day his kids were gonna want all the toys and clothes he couldn't afford and want to go to school like Mattie. Hell he still had to pull together money for Christmas because he'd be damned if they missed out on that just because they weren't at home and weren't getting dad's pension check any more. Of course there was that first year after he died that mom had blown that first big check on pills but they learned real quick to hide the money from her and get to the mail first and at least Christmas hadn't been a total wash.

And Alfred breathed a sigh of relief when he got back to his room and Jonathan had contented himself with poking Selene and his daughter was steadfastly ignoring him- until he knocked over her stack and got a hard shove for his troubles and oh did Alfred learn fast from Julie down the street that unless the kid was bleeding out like a stuck pig not to run over like an idiot or else he'd start bawling.

_"You don't see blood you don't hug. Don't coddle don't say "aww" I tell you the bambini they play you like a idiota!" _And all that had been followed by some other big mishmash of garbled Italian that he just smiled at nodded at and took the cabbage she'd given him for mowing her lawn fully intending to throw it out 'cause that old woman had the constitution of well, an old Italian woman, and what she considered still good last time had given him the runs for two days.

"I warned you," he said setting Jacob back into the playpen and even the high pitched yell of "asshole" didn't deter his mood cause the sun finally came back out shining through the big bay window and hey today was one more day that he was almost through and just a few more days and a few more years and they'd be in school and maybe he could go to back to school too and they wouldn't have to live in a room but a house again and his brother would come to his senses and live with them too and he'd meet and marry some smoking hot girl like Ivan's sister next door and-

He was snapped out of his reverie by the sounds of sirens and he'd gotten used to hearing them at night- he'd heard them enough in their old neighborhood- but daytime was something new and exciting and the damn roof was blocking his view out the window. Selene was even showing unusual curiosity as she stood up and ran over trying to climb the radiator and well it wasn't that cold yet so why the hell not?

"Alright, team, let's see what's going on!" He turned the stereo off, a little disappointed 'cause they were finally playing some Pearl Jam but hey he didn't want to be the last one out to see what was going on! His daughter was really turning into a little monkey and he'd been kinda worried but she was determined when she wanted to see something and her brothers weren't far behind, Jonathan and Jacob about to tip that poor playpen over for the millionth time since he'd gotten it thinking it would solve all his free range kidlet problems.

He swore under his breath trying to get that stupid window to unstick. Dorota told him back in July when it was butt ass hot that Jack's wife put a fresh coat of paint on **everything** once a year and holy god didn't the woman take the old stuff off first? But Alfred always had been unusually strong and he'd already loosened it a few weeks ago. He just took a big breath, gave a heave, and watched some of the paint chips flaking off vowing to clean them up as soon as they got back in the house just in case they were lead or something like they'd been saying all over the new for the last few months. News was dull as dirt but he figured if he was gonna be all adult now he'd better start trying to watch it. Sometimes he tried to read the papers at Henry's but he still barely spoke any more than rudimentary Polish and reading it was a whole 'nother ballgame.

Selene was already scrambling out and he scooped Jacob up with one arm and Jonathan with the other before that poor abused plastic pen tipped again he laughed as they squealed and kicked and one by one they all made their way onto the warm flat roof above the porch. Alfred looked over and saw that stupid Ivan had already beaten him out, giving a wave with that creepy smile of his and Alfred chalked that up to a victory for the Russian. Oh but it wasn't a total loss 'cause his sisters were sitting out with him- Natalya and what the hell was her name again? He knew she'd told him when he moved in or well Ivan told him more specifically but he'd been so busy staring at her tits he hadn't heard a damn thing after that. But hey, Alfred still waved back as he sat down and pulled Jacob onto his lap his other hand holding the collar of Selene's dress so she wouldn't crawl too close to the edge as determined as she was.

"Looks like a fire," Ivan supplied as Alfred shifted his attention between kids and conflagration wondering not for the first time if Ivan ever took that stupid scarf off. Yeah it was nearly October but it wasn't even jacket weather yet and even Natalya was sitting there in those short shorts and a tanktop with sunglasses on and hot damn those legs were long. Of course he didn't forget that she had some creepy obsession with her brother- half-brother she always corrected because somehow that was less weird. Ivan explained once that they had the same mother but that whore- his words, not Alfred's- seemed bound and determined to bang a man from every country in the USSR and Ivan, Natalya and -god why couldn't he remember her name?!- were the result.

Alfred looked out to the street to where the rest of the neighbors were slowly coming out of their houses to see what all the commotion was and he could see the smoke rising up with wide eyes. He'd never been this close to a fire before and there must've been two trucks and a whole bunch of cops trying to find someone who spoke English to tell them what the hell happened.

"Stupid old man and his dirty newspapers," Natalya supplied as she fished a cigarette out of her- holy god should the kids even be seeing that?- cleavage and lit up. Alfred was gonna say something about the kids and second hand smoke but they were outside and all so it was probably cool.

"That the dude who hoards all the cereal boxes too?" She nodded and Ivan lit his cigarette off of hers and then Ukraine- he'd taken to calling her that in his head remembering at least that's where her father was from- leaned over to finish painting her toenails and he wasn't really watching the fire so much anymore.

Alfred really tried his damndest to be a gentleman and not just sit there blatantly ogling her goodies but damn it was so hard when she was bending over like that almost falling out of the tanktop even with the bra on- and oh could he ever see that as well- and he probably would've looked a lot longer if he hadn't felt Jacob squirm on his lap and wonder just what the hell kinda of father popped a boner with their kid sitting on their lap. He could only grin back red faced as Ukraine looked at him with that amazing smile and waved to them all.

"They're so cute, Al," She said as Ivan attempted to discreetly scoot away from Natalya with a nervous titter of laughter letting her know for what couldn't have been the first time that she really didn't need to sit so close. "I never understand how the mother leave you and precious littles ones." Ukraine gave him that an older sister look that shouldn't be half as hot as it was and Alfred never realized what great hot chick bait the little rugrats were.

Of course that also brought back the cover story that he'd given when he moved here. Or more to the point the real story behind the cover story and he almost froze as the image of the body on the bed that couldn't **possibly** be his mother came back to him full force. It was almost like he was back there seeing her ashen face, seeing just how still she was and how small she was, the figure that had loomed above him like a terror for the last four years of his life and when he'd finally finished throwing up and calling every one of the pothead losers he knew Mattie hung out with- _Huh, well that's a surefire way to kill a hard on,_ he mused as he swallowed, the big smile never leaving his face.

"Haha, yeah I know right... Sorry, s'not something I talk about a lot." He looked ahead to the smoke billowing out of the duplex across the street and the neighbors who shared the wall screaming a bunch of incoherent Spanish or Mexican or whatever the hell they spoke in Costa Rica.

"Funny thing was my brother and I were both sleeping with her," he let out absently as the police stepped in to intercede between a young man and the old guy whose hoarding started the whole mess in the first place. He had no idea why he'd evened mentioned Mattie because really it was better if no one even knew his twin existed but fuck it. Not like the little jerk was ever gonna dirty his shoes by coming 'round here anyway. "But hey, enough about me right. I mean you guys already know the whole story and-"

"I think that so manly of you to do," Ukraine said as she recapped the polish and Alfred couldn't help but draw himself up a bit straighter. "So responsible to take care of them like that." Oh yeah, that was totally him and if a smoking older woman like her could see it well then who was he to complain?

"Haha, yep, that's me. So y'know if you ever wanna-"

"Isn't that your son about to fall off the roof?" Of course leave it to Ivan to ruin an awesome moment by pointing that out. Alfred swore, reluctantly letting go of Selene long enough to make a mad scramble for his unsteady two and a half year old son looking down over the edge of the roof, about to reach for a bunch of leaves or acorns or whatever the hell would make a little kid go totally wild, Alfred had no idea. _God, look away for one damn second..._

"Jonathan!" Alfred summoned up his best pissed off dad voice which had definitely grown more impressive since moving out on his own as he scooped the kid up half furious at Ivan half nauseous from the swan dive the boy almost took.

"But..."

"No "buts!" You stay with me, _capisce?_" That was another good one he'd picked up from Julie. "Behave or we go back inside." He put on his best serious face glad when it seemed to take at least for the next few moments and he steadfastly ignored the smirk from the cockblocking Russian asshole. Fuck Ivan. Fuck him and his scarf and his fat ass and everyone that looked like him.

"Hey!" Alfred almost jumped out of his skin as Natalya screamed in that seriously scary bellow she had at the old dude who seemed about to get into again with some other Menudo reject right in the middle of the street. "You fuck up my car I fuck up you!" And wow they all looked up and took a few steps away from the black Toyota and Alfred was wondering if he should say something about her dropping f bombs like candy around the kids. Except they didn't even seem to notice which made him wonder just how foul her mouth was when the kids were there the times Ukraine was nice enough to offer to watch them. And that totally perfect mother thing just made Alfred tally off another plus on the "why Ivan's hot older sister and I should totally hook up". Hell it was almost enough to balance out the con of "batshit crazy younger sister and douchebag brother".

"So, Alfred, tonight is laundry isn't it?" Ivan grinned at him and he mentally counted off the days... Thursday! Yes! Tonight definitely **was** laundry. Well really the way the kids went through clothes and spilled shit and got dirty he probably could've gone twice a week instead of once but every time he'd gone alone he could swear it turned into some crying disaster or a tantrum or god the time that homeless guy was like sleeping in there and he was trying to keep the kids from waking him up. There was also the purple underwear because sure everyone knew red clothes bled but blue? C'mon, how was he supposed to know **that**? So yeah definitely easier with someone else even if that someone else was dead set on reenacting the cold war via Tetris but hey, he had a pack of Marlboros to put up against Ivan's baseball cards and he was taking home the gold tonight.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Alfred answered back with a smirk. "You better bring 2 packs tonight 'cause when I get finished mopping the floor with you you're gonna be running home crying like a little baby."

"Haha, you talk big for such a little man."

"Oh yeah. Well that's not what your mom-" Of course his awesome comeback was interrupted by Selene and Jonathan both screaming like monkeys in some stupid hitting fight that apparently got out of hand when hair pulling got involved and he resisted the urge to smack his forehead as he gathered his motley crew up with a groan and a silent vow that one of these days he was gonna kick Ivan's Russian ass from here to Sunday whether that asshole was bigger than him or not 'cause he was drinking milk and he was pretty sure he could squeeze another few inches out before he stopped growing because he was sure the other had to be at least twenty one with the way he drank- at least he hoped he was- so yeah, Alfred was totally gonna catch up to him and stomp that commie jerk one of these days.

"Oh my gawd that's it! Everyone back inside!" He yelled at them both as he stood up red faced and in a rather amazing feat pulled both kids apart with a baby on one arm and only his left free corralling them all back into the open window.

"What are you two even fighting about?!" Great. The stupid window was sticking open and he could just see Ivan waving that stupid smug "I may be a dumb fuck Russian asshole but at least I didn't knock up some skank who bailed." He was wondering whether or not the kids would even see him give the guy the finger when a high pitched shriek broke out amongst the mess. Selene screamed incoherently as she kept reaching for what looked like the remains of some kind of insect mushed onto both of their hands and Alfred wondered right after realizing that no it still wasn't an actual word why she couldn't have picked up **something** because Jonathan was getting into that godawful "mine" phase and her silence and screaming was gonna be the death of him._ Oh man it was no wonder that deadbeat loser Jerzey smokes more weed than Mattie._ Dorota told him once the dude must've had like five fucking kids or something back home.

"Well it's no one's now!" He thought that sounded pretty damn reasonable and all authoritative as he leaned over to check Jacob's diaper and attempt to get the other two to calm down before dinner 'cause hunger had to be the reason they were acting all crazy right now. He felt a small hand at his front grabbing for the pack of smokes in his right front pocket with another childish cry of "mine" from Jonathan and Alfred just took a deep breath, closed his eyes and looked up at the white popcorn ceiling- Jack's wife painted that too, the ceiling looking like stalactites with all the little drips- willing God or Thor or fucking someone to give him some damn patience.

"No that's not yours," he said exasperated while removing the hands on his jeans and going for his stereo cranking it way the hell up because no one around here worked third shift and if they were trying to sleep at this time of day the hell with them because he needed some Metallica bad. And as the guitar and the bass started the lead in for "Enter Sandman" he threw himself back on the bed making some vague gesture to both older kids to come over. "It's mine because I have a job and go to work and pay bills and deal with all this crap and **now...** now we're going to rest for ten stupid minutes and the next one who says mine or asshole or anything isn't getting dinner or breakfast or food ever again I swear to god!" Which was a crock of crap and they probably knew it but at least they shut up and crawled onto the bed next to him two perfect little angels.

"No," was the first thing that Jonathan said even as he did just that and Alfred just blindly felt for his head, ruffling fine blonde hair.

"Just humor me, huh?" Alfred said wistfully as he let the drums carry him away and as he felt that pleasant warmth that came from that meditative musical state and felt Selene on his left lying almost dead still in that weird and tense "I think I wanna bolt" way but at least she seemed to be getting used to sharing the bed with him. They had their own room at home and it killed him that they had to all cram in like this but it beat the damn alternative and right now he was too drained to think too much about all of that. God did he used to get this tired before all this crap cause he remembered having a lot more stamina and energy. Maybe it was cause of all the damn working. Ugh he was probably horribly out of shape and wondered if maybe he shouldn't start going to the Man's World gym down the road but all those dudes seemed like a bunch of fucking muscle meatheads... or queers according to Ivan which was almost as bad.

He couldn't even imagine how his brother was all into kissing guys- especially dirty old men- for fun or even any of the other gross and nasty stuff Matt used to talk about like it was the best shit ever. Well hell he wasn't gonna start thinking about his brother again because that always just made him feel like crap so instead he just thought about the now and about kicking Ivan's commie ass tonight in Tetris and how awesome kids were when they were quiet and behaving. He had no idea how the hell he just... just cared so much about them and worried and wanted to be everything in the world for them and wondered not for the first time why his mom never seemed to feel that way about them. No... no, he remembered being a kid and mom bandaging him up after all the fights he got into at school with that loudmouth jerk Gilbert. He remembered being sick and his mom feeding him and Mattie those egg noodles with butter and he remembered when... Alfred swallowed because he really didn't let him think too much about the night the babysitter answered the phone and they found out that dad was in a coma and mom was in the hospital too and was almost as bad.

He really didn't want to think about the pinpricks behind his eyes or the hot wetness rolling down his face when he thought about all that because it was like a million damn years ago and thinking about it didn't do him a damn bit of good except make him wish she **had** died that day because the sad fucking mess she ended up turning into was a hell of a lot worse than dead. Alfred had no idea to this day why his brother hated her so damn much when Alfred was sure he got the worse end of the bad touch bargain and that little jerk was almost never home, but Mattie got all weird and quiet those last two years so he just pushed it aside. And pushing it aside was what he was gonna do now too because he had three awesome kids and he was like a few months away- fuck yeah he was gonna set a goal- from having a wicked hot girlfriend who thought his kids were cute and had like the biggest tits in the world and he had a job and a pretty sweet baseball card collection. Hell he was even lucky enough to get Nolan Ryan this last pack and tonight he was gonna bring it.

Alfred smiled in spite of himself when Jonathan burrowed into him like a little cat and Selene finally relaxed enough to let him stroke her hair. His stomach was starting to rumble and man it sucked being piss poor like this but maybe he could guilt Mattie into a few more bucks next month and take everyone out to McDonalds like they used to go. Christmas. That was so his next goal. Christmas dinner at McDonalds with Big Macs and huge fries and shakes and everything! And he let himself relax thinking at least he could be flat broke in worse company than this.

"Nomad vagabond call me what you will," he sang softly, unable to help the smile on his face as Jonathan sleepily sang along with him mangling the words.


End file.
